The Void

I’ve realized I always have more energy in the evening and at night. As I’ve said before, I’m not a mourning person, I’m a night person. On Saturdays when I go to open training around noon, I feel like I have half the strength and energy than I’d have on a weekday around 8pm. I like doing things at night, it seems to revitalize me. I’ve always felt some mysterious, primal connection to night and darkness. Something about it makes me feel vibrantly alive.

Some of my fondest memories involved doing things in the dark. In my JFW days we used to play a bunch of games in the woods at night like kick the can, grim reaper or hide and go seek tag. I loved those games! Breathing the crisp night air, hiding in the shadows, stealthily roaming through the woods alone with only starlight to guide you is a lot of fun. I remember wandering around in a field with some friends until we found a nice spot on a hill, in long grass, then we lied on our backs for a long time and watched the stars slowly creep across the sky. Moments of contemplation like those somehow seem intense, even though no great realizations have occurred it feels like something important has taken place.

When I was young we would drive into Edmonton to visit my grandmother. We would spend the whole day there and drive back once it got dark. My favorite part of the trip was the ride home. I’d lean my seat back, gaze out the window and watch the city lights go by until I fell asleep. When we got back home the city lights would be gone, replaced by the moon and the stars, I’d peer up and try to spot the few constellations I knew. I used to love driving by the windows of houses or businesses that had their lights on. You get that brief, clear glimpse of the people or objects inside that no one notices during the day. I used to wish I could teleport into those rooms behind the windows and exist, for a brief instant, in someone else’s life, as an invisible, quiet, omniscient observer. Just to see the different lives being lived around me and feel what other people are feeling in the times of rest when the great forces in our lives are temporarily forgotten. I still get this urge when I’m driving around the city at night.

Now that I’m older I still feel the same way about night but I enjoy it different ways. I love driving at night. It’s peaceful driving around the city when there’s no other cars on the road, I love putting on a good CD and cruising around. I’ve done this a few times for fun when I was feeling restless, I’ll get in my car with no place to be and just drive around aimlessly until I feel like going home. I think most of the enjoyment I get from this comes from my loner side, I like being alone and away from everything now and then. A good fire and a warm sleeping bag, on a mountain side, is infinitely more pleasurable to me than 100 hours of cold television glow. Night + nature + cards + lamplight= awesomeness. I’ve also developed an interest in caving. I’m hoping to go out exploring caves more often; I’ve only ever been to Cadomin a few times, it’s a lot of fun.

I’m guessing that the wonder I get from night is pretty common. Maybe it’s human nature to be fascinated with darkness. Or maybe I’m just a little bit crazy. I should look into my family tree, maybe I’m related to some Romanian royalty… could I be descended from a long lost count?